Chlamydia is in the news this week, and I’ve got to say that I’m glad
it’s because Chlamydia is one of the top health issues in the U.S. and
not because it’s one of the top baby names of 2015.
Radio Shack this week named Nick Cannon their "Chief Creative
Officer," which just looks better on business cards than "Final Nail
in the Coffin"
Congress this week voted against stricter gun control and in favor of
repealing Obamacare, leading many to believe their big campaign issue in 2016 will be population control.
Former Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann said this week that Syrian refugees want to come to this country and gang rape us.
Bachmann says she's absolutely horrified by the idea of Islamic
foreigners taking work away from American rapists.
A group of New Jersey fifth graders planned to bomb a high school with a device they made containing vegetable oil, cinnamon, and salad dressing. I’m not sure what these kids need more, counseling or
cooking lessons. The inclusion of salad dressing will be key to their
defense with lawyers expected to argue that the kids obviously didn’t
want to kill anybody since they themselves had already bought the
ranch.
Former CEO of the Massey Energy Company, Don Blankenship, was
convicted of conspiring to violate mine safety standards in an
explosion that killed 29 miners. Reached for comment, a frustrated
Santa Claus said, "Fuck! What the hell am I supposed to put in this
guy's stocking now?"